Moving

I’m managed to get my own domain and web host so I’ll be moving this blog to that address. You can find it at http://angelicsilouette.co.cc.

Trust

I don’t know why it is so important that Tony acknowledges he trusts me…maybe its because I don’t think he EVER has. And now it is more important than ever that he does…but he doesn’t. I have no reason to trust him…he acknowledges that and thoroughly doesn’t understand why I still continue to trust him. Which leads to the problem…Tony projects things on me…so he is projecting his mistrust of himself into being a mistrust of me. Now, I can rationalize this out until the cows come home…but it still doesn’t seem to make a difference to my emotions. It hurts to know he doesn’t trust me. I automatically think I have done something to deserve this. And since I have a rather shady past and a guilty conscience, I have a hard time convincing myself I haven’t done anything to deserve mistrust.

Moral of the story…ok, maybe not the moral…ummmm, the point I’m trying to make…I just want Tony to tell me, “Hey, I trust your judgment. I know you will do what’s best.” That is ALL I want from him…ok, that and a divorce.

The Future

Time is my enemy
Society’s rules are not my friend
Preconceived notions burn me
The past messes with my head
Fear overwhelms me
Anxiety is taking control
What is going to happen in the future?
That’s not for me to know
Through the dark, foggy unknown
I see a brilliant light
With tranquility like an angel
You come into sight
You hold me close
And calm me with the simple touch of your hand
You look me in the eyes
It is only then I understand
While I may not know my future
One thing is clear to me
I was meant to spend it with you
And with you I will always be

What has changed?

Kirby has taken to reading my blog from the beginning. I love that because I’ve never had someone THAT interested in me and what goes on in my head…but it scares me because I know how confused I was. I know how often I fell into and out of love. I understand that knowing that about me is going to stir all sorts of doubts in his mind…it would in mine. I wish there was some way to prove I was just young and stupid and trying to convince myself things were better than they really were in those old entries. I started reading my journal from the beginning again too just to refresh my memory…I remember those relationships…I also remember they were NOTHING compared to what I have now. I had no clue what real love was. I was desperate…and would attach myself to anyone who showed me the smallest amount of attention. I would ignore the things I knew were red flags simply so I could go on without being alone. I had myself brainwashed.

So what’s different now? I would like to think I’m no longer desperate. I am much more willing to recognize the problems…yet, I didn’t with Will. I think I would say I was desperate for attention at that point…no offense to Will…I had just been without it for so long. I feel much more stable and sane at this point than I ever have. I’m just in a completely different place. The last 3-4 months have been quite a learning and growing experience. I feel like I could take on the world. I feel very clear-headed. I feel in control of my life. And I feel like I am CHOOSING Kirby…not that I’m settling for him…not that I can’t get anyone else…not that anyone else wouldn’t want me. I am with Kirby because I want to be with him. I am with him because he is an amazing person. I’m not with him simply because he is cute or because he pays attention to me or because he thinks like me or because he is nice to me…I’m with him because he is all these things and more. That is how it is different this time. It is different because he is EVERYTHING I’ve been looking for.

Better and better

I’m seriously not sure how much happier I could possibly be with Kirby. I love him more than imaginable…and it seem to get deeper every day…especially the days I spend with him. When I think about this from an outsider’s perspective I realize how INSANE I must sound…but it feels SOOOO right.

I just finished the best weekend of Kirby, Rock Band, Japanese food, and other wonderful things.

It’s going to be a long week!!!

Trust

I’m a little shocked at myself…ok, I’m A LOT shocked at myself…as I was walking across campus today, letting my mind wander as it usually does, it was hovering around its normal subject (Kirby) when it dawned on me…he’s going out tonight with a girl who he has a history with…a recent history with…and I’m fine with that. I’m more than fine, I’m perfectly comfortable. I thoroughly believe he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. I trust him completely….after a week….A WEEK…he has my TOTAL trust. I’m not sure anyone has ever had my total trust…I’m not sure anyone has ever deserved my total trust…

WOW…just……..wow!

Moving Up

I moved into my own office today at work!! YAY!! I feel so important…pretty soon I’ll even have my name on the door. This week has ROCKED!!!!

Calm

I’m very calm today. I didn’t get to bed until midnight due to an extremely long phone conversation…a good one, I just need to learn not to wait 2-3 weeks to talk to my best friend. Then I slept like crap because the thunder was so loud it almost shook me out of bed several times. Yet, this morning I’m happy, content, and at peace with life. Even Bailey couldn’t get to me.

It feels like everything is going to be alright. Despite the fact I only met Kirby not even a week ago…despite the fact we aren’t sure how often we can see each other…despite the fact I’m so love-sick it’s not even funny…despite all that, I feel like it will be okay…we can do this…and it WILL be worth it. Those are some scary thoughts for something happening this fast.

These feelings are all so foreign to me. I have been in love countless times. I have been in fast-moving relationships (not quite this fast though I must say). Hell, I even got married…but I have NEVER felt like this. I have never felt so comfortable…so safe…there is no nagging voice in the back of my head warning me not to go on…There has ALWAYS been that voice telling me something wasn’t right…and I’ve always ignored it only to learn it was right. I’m not sure how to react with no voice there…that voice always at least slowed my heart down a little…without that voice, my heart is in over-drive!

So, of course, I’m deliriously happy but scared to death that the other shoe is going to fall. I guess all I can say is, “Bring it on!!” If it falls, it will crush me…but I’m strong enough to pick up the pieces.

Amazing

I don’t know how I got so lucky…and I hate to attribute these wonderful feelings to luck…he is amazing!! No one could possibly be this perfect for me…..could they?

Complimentary

It makes me laugh reading through some of my old poems…I had NO idea what it meant to truly feel at home with someone. Sure, I was comfortable…probably more comfortable than I had been in ages, so I didn’t really know any better…everything is relative.

This is how I feel now, I hope like hell I’m not wrong about this one…

We go together like milk and cookies.

I was tempted to say I found my missing piece but I don’t think that is quite right. That insinuates I was missing something…that I wasn’t whole and fine on my own. I think we were both fine on our own…we are just so good together.