Babies

Bailey is obsessed with babies. She always has been. I have a 6 year old who I feel I need to have the birds & bees talk with to make sure she doesn’t run out and hook up with someone just to have a baby.

This year is the year that Michael will get told about the biology…I’m not sure that is the right way of putting it…anyway, he gets told about girl parts and boy parts and how they work together to make babies. It is our way of easing him into the sex talk in a couple of years (and yes, I watch too much Oprah). Anyway, after this morning’s conversation over breakfast I am starting to question if I should have that talk with Bailey…4 years earlier than planned.

The question of the morning was, “Mom, how did we get out of your tummy when we were babies?” Since each of them got out in their own special way, I got to explain both vaginal and cesarean section births to my 6 year old (the 10 year old was there too and listening rather intently). She was utterly entranced. Like, totally GLUED to every word I had to say. It was DISTURBING!!!

The highlight of the conversation for me was that she found it very funny that Michael had a big head. And, in turn, Michael found it very funny that Bailey was too stubborn to come out on her own.

It’s Done

I broke it off yet again with Curtis. Three strikes and you’re out. Why do I constantly feel as though I should give more chances? That I should let this one slide…that I can handle the pain…that he deserves another shot? Thank god I can think about my kids instead. My kids DO NOT need someone like that in their lives. It just makes me very mad that I didn’t realize that before I introduced them. I don’t think one meeting is going to scar them…I hope not anyway.

Found out last night the kids have met Tony’s girlfriend friend who is a girl and he claims is nothing more than a friend…would have been nice to know before or at the time it happened instead of 2 weeks later. He swears he told me…I don’t remember hearing anything about her name. And I’m pretty sure that is something I would remember.

It was like a dagger when I heard that. I understand it probably hurt him too when I started dating other people…when I allow other people to be involved in the kids’ lives…I’ve just never had to be the person who is on the other side. The kids have always been MINE. I have never had to think about what I would do or how I would feel if there was another mother-figure in their lives. I don’t like it. But I’ll deal.

Oh ya, NOW I remember

So I was reminded again yesterday why Curtis is toxic. For the 3rd time since I started talking to him he lied to me about drinking. His aunt is dying and he was distraught enough he wanted me to call him while I was still at work. I talked him through some crap and he assured me he wouldn’t be drinking…only to go start drinking as soon as he got off the phone. If he wants to ruin his life, so be it. But I’m in charge of whether my life (and my children’s lives) are going to be involved. I feel horrible pulling this stuff on him when he is going through pain but I don’t know what else to do. I’m not putting up with this crap. I just got done with one emotionally damaging relationship…I need something healthy for the sake of my sanity and my children.

And to make things even more fun, I decided after smoking my last cigarette at 5:00 yesterday that I just wasn’t going to buy any more and I was going to finally quit for good. I’m sticking to it but, man, I’m about to have an anxiety attack.

I also called the district court to schedule our final divorce court date and found out they don’t schedule anything sooner than the status docket date we already have. Damn. Annoying.

Sad

It started last night…ok, it probably started Saturday night but I was able to shake it for a while…that horrible sinking, sad-hearted feeling. I just feel like I want to cry but I really don’t know exactly why. It’s probably just a bunch of things all mixed together. The fact that I am tired doesn’t help any either.

*Yawn*

I’m seriously considering going home and sleeping the afternoon away. But I have an appointment this afternoon so I’ll probably just tough it out. I’m not sure why I’m so tired anyway. I got enough sleep on Saturday night. I got enough sleep last night. *shrugs* I hate my energy levels.

I went to Heather & Andy’s wedding this weekend. It is so nice to see them so happy. I’m very happy for her. I was surprised, the wedding itself didn’t get to me…but the reception did. I think it was a combination of reminders of my wedding and reminders that I’m not really a part of the Broken Bow life anymore. Letting go and moving on has never been my strong suit. I’m all for change. I love new things…I just don’t like letting go of the old.

I guess Curtis officially is to the point I was at a week ago. He just wants to be here. He wants to be with me. He doesn’t want to be separated by 5 hours. That feels good. I feel much better about life. I was so scared there was something shady going on…but that fear is gone now. I really am not sure what part of the weekend made it go away, but it is gone and I’m at peace.

I had a dream this morning (in between snoozing the alarm) that he just showed up to live at my house. That he couldn’t handle being apart anymore and just showed up. Kinda made me chuckle when I woke up.

The kids met him this weekend. They seemed to really like him. Bailey requested to sit by him at the reception and Michael requested to sit by him at lunch on Sunday before we left. I was very surprised by Michael’s request because Grandma was there and usually both the kids want to sit by her.

Object Permanence

The theory of object permanence is that infants at some point will recognize the fact that if they see an object go behind a blanket, they will look for it on the other side. Meaning, they know it hasn’t disappeared somewhere. They know it is behind the blanket even though they can’t see it and they expect it to continue doing whatever it was doing when it went behind the blanket.

I’ve decided my ability to translate this to relationships is completely fucked. When I can’t physically see the person I’m dating I lose all ability to understand what is going on with the relationship. Like suddenly, because they are out of sight, everything changes. As soon as I can’t see them, I believe they are doing all sorts of inappropriate things.

Now, the more I think about this, the more I realize why I have this problem. Everyone I can remember being with but not being around all the time WAS off doing bad things when they weren’t around me. The only way I know of to change this thought pattern is to have the pattern of events change. I really hope that is what is happening right now.

Feels Good

So, apart from the fact I was late to this morning’s “All ISS Staff Meeting regarding the IT Assessment Study” thanks to my stupid, STBX husband not waking up on time, I’m feeling pretty good about my work life. There were 3 slides worth of “commendations” the consulting firm gathered from the campus…I personally made slide 3. The campus specifically commented on and commended my job so much it made it on the slides. THAT SO TOTALLY ROCKS!!!

It’s sad….I know this…

I’ve never been big on learning another language…I know a little Spanish thanks to high school requirements. But I think it would be fun to learn how to say some things in Na’vi…yes,  I realize how sad that is and how big of a geek I am for wanting something like that. My first order of business, learn how to pronounce “Oel ngati kameie” correctly and say it to Curtis as much as possible.

If you are curious, it means “I see you.”

Oh ya, I need to get a picture of my nose taken before it gets all healed up. I proved on Friday night that a straw can be a deadly weapon…Ok, maybe not deadly, but it can wound you so you look like a dork for a good long while.

So Excited

Curtis is on his way to see me as I type this! I’m very excited. I have the weekend without kids and with Curtis all to myself. Now, hopefully things go well…

Import

I brought in the posts I made to my Blogger blog. I created that blog as a place to vent about my marriage since Tony knew about this blog. I just needed a place to talk where he wouldn’t see it and get hurt by it. Now it’s over, I thought I’d bring it here to be part of my bigger life story.