What has changed?
May 18, 2010Kirby has taken to reading my blog from the beginning. I love that because I’ve never had someone THAT interested in me and what goes on in my head…but it scares me because I know how confused I was. I know how often I fell into and out of love. I understand that knowing that about me is going to stir all sorts of doubts in his mind…it would in mine. I wish there was some way to prove I was just young and stupid and trying to convince myself things were better than they really were in those old entries. I started reading my journal from the beginning again too just to refresh my memory…I remember those relationships…I also remember they were NOTHING compared to what I have now. I had no clue what real love was. I was desperate…and would attach myself to anyone who showed me the smallest amount of attention. I would ignore the things I knew were red flags simply so I could go on without being alone. I had myself brainwashed.
So what’s different now? I would like to think I’m no longer desperate. I am much more willing to recognize the problems…yet, I didn’t with Will. I think I would say I was desperate for attention at that point…no offense to Will…I had just been without it for so long. I feel much more stable and sane at this point than I ever have. I’m just in a completely different place. The last 3-4 months have been quite a learning and growing experience. I feel like I could take on the world. I feel very clear-headed. I feel in control of my life. And I feel like I am CHOOSING Kirby…not that I’m settling for him…not that I can’t get anyone else…not that anyone else wouldn’t want me. I am with Kirby because I want to be with him. I am with him because he is an amazing person. I’m not with him simply because he is cute or because he pays attention to me or because he thinks like me or because he is nice to me…I’m with him because he is all these things and more. That is how it is different this time. It is different because he is EVERYTHING I’ve been looking for.
