Pain….

Why is it when you are in a relationship and things are not going well, all you can see are the problems….but when you end the relationship….all you can remember are the good things???? I’m on this horrible roller coaster. I go from hate to missing to hate to sorrow to indifference to heart splitting pain. U2 said it best…”I can’t live with or without you.” I know eventually it will all feel better. But will I make it through with my dignity and piece of mind? Will I crumble? I feel so alone.

Land of Make Believe

He left last night. I told him to get out of my life….

Once again he is telling me that he doesn’t really care about me. He’s been pretending for a long time.

What else is there to say?

Here We Go…

So, I’ve been struggling for a couple weeks. I thought I was going to be able to stick this thing out. I thought my husband had agreed to go to therapy. I know I had told him initially that he had a pretty big time frame to work with to start getting help…but I had no idea how quickly my heart was going to start shutting down.

Mid-week I started browsing apartment websites looking for something he could afford. Then I started looking about how to tell the kids. So I decided that if this thing was going to be saved, it needed to happen now. I was going to tell him when he got home from work because I felt it was a face-to-face type thing.

Instead, I got a phone call shortly after he got off work telling me he was going to the bar with a friend but wouldn’t be out late (he has said this every time he goes out with friends and he gets home ranging from 1:00 to 3:00). I told him not to bother with the “not being out late” line because it only causes issues and he agreed. We hung up. I sat there for a few minutes and realized, I couldn’t wait to talk to him about this for another day. So I called him back. I told him I was planning on talking to him about this tonight but since he wouldn’t be home I would have to tell him over the phone. I told him I could feel myself disengaging and he needed to go to therapy now if he wanted to help save our relationship….otherwise it would be too late. He said okay (meaning he heard what I said, not meaning he was agreeing).

I went to bed at 10:30….I woke up at 1:45 and he wasn’t home, I wasn’t surprised but I wasn’t going to hover this time (usually I call and ask him what the hell is going on). I went back to sleep….I woke up at 4:30 and he STILL wasn’t home. This time I called. Half expecting to have some stranger answer the phone telling me he was in the hospital or something. But he answered. Told me he was just dropping off the friend he went out with…said he would be home soon.

I was livid. He is the one who takes the kids to school in the morning…he was only going to get 2 hours of sleep, tops. At that moment, I decided (for the kids’ sake) I would be taking them to school because I didn’t want to see how growly he would be after 2 hours of sleep.

I tried to go back to sleep but was too upset so I went outside for a smoke. Of course, that is when he pulled up. I really didn’t want to talk to him…I didn’t want to hear it…yet, at the same time, I did. I finished my cigarette and went back to bed. He came to bed and I just couldn’t handle the not knowing. I told him I really couldn’t believe that he was just out with a friend until 4:30 in the morning. He said I should believe it because it is true. I asked him what in the world they talked about for 8 hours. He said his friend is having problems with his gf and we are having problems so there was a lot to talk about. So I asked what the friend had to say about us. He told me his friend asked if it was worth it to go to therapy and my husband said he didn’t know.

I guess I know where I stand. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of being the ONLY one trying. Right then I decided, I deserve more. So last night we have a talk. I make him start it. He says that he really doesn’t want to go to therapy and he realizes that means separation so we should start making arrangements. So we started hashing out money stuff. Then I went to bed. When I woke up he wasn’t in bed. He slept on the couch. Mind you, we weren’t on mean or horrible terms when I went to bed. Something just FEELS weird. Like there is more to this he isn’t telling. Like he is hiding the truth again. The question is: Do I care? And that is a question I’m not sure of the answer to right now.

Admission

I found myself looking at the cost of renting a 1 bedroom apartment today…for him, not for me. The thought of having to spend the rest of my life dealing with this crap just isn’t at all appealing to me. He needs to start getting help NOW. If not, we will be looking a little further into these lovely apartments. I need to go over the numbers a little more but I think we are REALLY close to being able to swing that. I don’t think he really believes I will put my foot down. And I really don’t want to. I don’t want to parent alone…well, more alone than I am currently. I don’t want to have to try explaining divorce to the kids….again. I don’t want to be in an unhappy marriage with a BPD either…but I am.

At a Loss

So it didn’t take Tony long to figure out that he wanted to work this out and do whatever it takes to fix things. I want to say I’m happy but at the same time, I feel as though I’ve heard this all before. I see him putting forth effort right now and I’m just waiting for it to stop. That is horrible of me to be expecting but I have no reason to believe that this change is permanent. How can i be happy about something I don’t really believe is going to happen?

Time Limit

So the deadline has been set. He has 1 week to decide if he is going to commit to working on his issues. If he doesn’t want to fix things, we will separate. I don’t want to give up but I deserve so much more. I think I deserve to be loved not just tolerated. I don’t deserve to be lied to. I’m afraid for the children more than for me. They love their dad and it will break their hearts for them to know he isn’t there everyday. I don’t know how we are going to make it through this but I know we will. No matter which way things go, we will be okay.

Small Things

So I asked Tony to mail a package to a friend of mine in another country. He didn’t argue. He didn’t say he didn’t feel comfortable doing it. I even apologized for volunteering him. He was given instructions. The last time he mailed a package like this the shipping was horrible so this time the instructions were to mail it using the cheapest method possible. Knowing what was in this package I had asked my friend if he wanted to insure it. After I did some looking online it appeared it would only be $4 to insure the package so my friend said to do it. Tony mailed the package for $16. I was very impressed and happy. Since he didn’t tell me any different, I assumed he mailed it with the $4 insurance although it wasn’t that big of a deal since my friend didn’t ask for it in the first place.

Fast forward to this morning. My friend asked for a tracking number. Typically there is a customs # for international packages. Tony searched around for a receipt but couldn’t find one and said he must have thrown it away. I questioned him about it because last time he not only produced a receipt but also a customs form copy. He started getting all bitchy and assholish. After I started crying and telling him I couldn’t handle this crap anymore he finally said the reason there was no receipt is because he threw it away on purpose to hide the fact that he sent the package uninsured.

He couldn’t just tell me when it happened. He couldn’t send me a message that said, “The insurance cost $50 for the cheapest shipping so I opted not to do it.” Instead, he has to throw away the receipt and try to hide what he did. Then when I ask him about the receipt, he can’t just say, “Sorry, I panicked. I thought you would be mad about the lack of insurance so I threw it away.” No, he had to turn into a defensive asshole. I’m tired of the lying. I don’t care anymore that they are about little bitty insignificant things. If I can’t trust him about those little things, how the hell am I supposed to trust him about the big ones???

Crash & Burn

I can’t shake the feeling that my marriage isn’t going to last much longer. I am not a quitter but I can’t take much more of this. On the surface, everything looks fine. Tony is a nice guy. He doesn’t yell at me or hit me. Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about the devastation that lack of emotions has on a relationship? It is sad when I wish I could get a reaction out of him because at least that would show he cares. I am meant to assume he cares simply because he is still present. Unfortunately that is not enough for me. I need more than that. I need loved. I need supported. I need to feel like I’m not alone.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m crazy for expecting these things. I’m tired of feeling like I’m asking too much by wanting a normal relationship. Living with someone who is borderline and a narcissist really isn’t fun. They only think about themselves. The world revolves around them. The worse part is, they can’t even help it. It’s not like he is just some self-absorbed dick. He honestly forgets to take anyone else’s thoughts or feelings into account. It’s like he lives in his own little world and we aren’t even allowed to visit.

I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. I’ve already started to shut down and I don’t know how to stop or reverse the process. I just want to be happy.

Maybe

Maybe there is something wrong with me. Actually, I’m pretty sure there is. I think I’m depressed. I completely went off the deep end tonight (still am pretty upset) when I found out that none of Tony’s friends could make it to our New Years Eve party. The reason this is so important is because I have no friends in this town so his friends were the only ones coming. I don’t get to go out. I don’t get to be social. Most of the time this doesn’t bother me but on occasions such as this, it does. I don’t get myself revved up for social interaction often, but when I do I am extremely hurt when it doesn’t pan out. So, here I am, New Years Eve, all alone until 10:30 or so, still in my pajamas, hair still undone, drinking brandy slushes, with no intention of getting dressed, brushing my hair, or doing anything remotely uplifting….all because 3 guys decided not to come to our “party.” No matter how many times I repeat how silly that sounds, it doesn’t stop the fact that it hurts. I just wanted to do something fun.

Empty My Head

I need someone to talk to. I’m very alone, but yet I’m not… I have a husband, 2 wonderful children, a great family, and a few good friends. Yet somehow, I find myself needing someone to talk to. My family has never been the talking type. Sure, we like to make sure everyone is doing “well” but that means physically more than emotionally. And I feel as though my friends have better things to do than to listen to my “problems” that they really don’t understand anyway.

Basically, my husband has several personality disorders (borderline, narcissism, and paranoia are the specific ones that come to mind). He’s a good guy. He has just had a really fucked up life and bad genes to boot. So he has extreme problems dealing with emotional issues which, of course, include love. He has no concept of what a functional relationship should be. He is convinced that those couples you see on TV are playing up how people in love act toward each other. He doesn’t know how to communicate effectively. He is scared of emotions and abandonment. But is perfectly content with the way he acts. He doesn’t understand why I have such a problem with it. If I try to talk about my issues with his actions he gets defensive and that gets us nowhere.

Most days I can reason myself into sanity but when I start to feel down sanity is left in the dust and reason is thrown out the window. It takes a toll to have to perpetually tell yourself that the way you are being treated (or the lack of treatment) is not anything you caused. And it doesn’t always matter who caused it. Some days it just sucks that I am invisible. I learned to deal with being invisible as a child because I was always overshadowed by my older sister. But my parents never completely forgot about me so it was always bearable. I never wanted to fight for the attention of my husband and I really never thought I would need to. But here I am, 32 years old, fighting for the attention of the man I love on a daily basis.

I feel lucky that he is not physically abusive and is typically rather subdued but that is usually only because I try not to rock the boat and he is used to getting his way. It is a lot like having a 28 year old spoiled child….without the hugs and kisses. The affection thing really bothers me. The fact that I feel like the messed up one really bothers me. The fact that he encourages the fact that I feel like the messed up one really bothers me. The fact that he has this “out of sight out of mind” attitude about me really bothers me. The fact that I have to take care of everything because he doesn’t think to really bothers me. The fact that he is unable to handle stressful situations really bothers me…….Wow, this stuff really adds up.

So in short, I’m married to someone who doesn’t know how to love. I love him. Our kids love him. And I am losing my mind…

To be continued…