Attack

This is a group I just found out about the other day and I have denoted this song as my new anthem:

I won’t suffer, be broken, get tired, or wasted
Surrender to nothing, I’ll give up what I
Started and stop this, from end to beginning
A new day is calling, and I am finally
Free

Run away, run away, I’ll attack
Run away, run away, go chase yourself
Run away, run away, now I’ll attack
I’ll attack, I’ll, whoa

I would have kept you, forever, but we had to sever
It ended for both of us, faster than a..
Kill off this thinking, it’s starting to sink in
I’m losing control now, and without you I can finally see

Run away, run away, I’ll attack
Run away, run away, go chase yourself
Run away, run away, now I’ll attack
I’ll attack, I’ll, whoa

Your promises, they look like lies
Your honesty, like a back that hides a knife
(Knife)
I promise you
(Promise you)
I promise you
(Promise you)
(Promise you)
And I am finally free

Run away, run away, I’ll attack
Run away, run away, go chase yourself
Run away, run away, now I’ll attack
I’ll attack, I’ll attack, I will attack

Run away, I will attack
(I’ll attack)
Run away, I will attack
(I’ll attack)
Run away, run away, I’ll attack, I’ll attack, I’ll, whoa
(I’ll attack)

Your promises
(Promises, promises)
I promise you
(Promise you)
I promise you
(Promise you, promise you)

Scars

I’ve always liked this song but just realized how fitting it is for my life right now:

I tear my heart open,
I sew myself shut.
My weakness is, that I care too much.
And my scars remind me,
that the past is real…
I tear my heart open,
just to feel.

I’m drunk and I’m feeling down,
and I just wanna be alone.
I’m pissed cause you came around,
why don’t you just go home?
Cause I channeled all your pain,
and I can’t help you fix yourself.
Your making me insane.
All I can say is…

I tear my heart open,
I sew myself shut.
And my weakness is, that I care too much.
And our scars remind us,
that the past is real.
I tear my heart open,
just to feel.

I tried to help you once,
Against my own advice,
I saw you going down,
but you never realized,
that your drowning in the water,
so I offered you my hand,
Compassion’s in my nature,
tonight is our last stand.

I tear my heart open,
I sew myself shut.
And my weakness is, that I care too much.
And our scars remind us,
that the past is real.
I tear my heart open,
just to feel.

I’m drunk and I’m feeling down,
and I just wanna be alone.
You should have never come around,
why don’t you just go home?
Cause you’re drowning in the water,
and I tried to grab your hand.
I left my heart open
But you didn’t understand
but you didn’t understand…

Go fix yourself!!!!

I can’t help you fix yourself,
but at least I can say I tried.
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life.

I can’t help you fix yourself,
but at least I can say I tried!
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life.

I tear my heart open,
I sew myself shut.
My weakness is, that I care too much.
And our scars remind us,
that the past is real.
I tear my heart open,
just to feel.

I tear my heart open,
I sew myself shut.
My weakness is, that I care too much.
And our scars remind us,
that the past is real.
I tear my heart open,
just to feel.

It’s Done

I broke it off yet again with Curtis. Three strikes and you’re out. Why do I constantly feel as though I should give more chances? That I should let this one slide…that I can handle the pain…that he deserves another shot? Thank god I can think about my kids instead. My kids DO NOT need someone like that in their lives. It just makes me very mad that I didn’t realize that before I introduced them. I don’t think one meeting is going to scar them…I hope not anyway.

Found out last night the kids have met Tony’s girlfriend friend who is a girl and he claims is nothing more than a friend…would have been nice to know before or at the time it happened instead of 2 weeks later. He swears he told me…I don’t remember hearing anything about her name. And I’m pretty sure that is something I would remember.

It was like a dagger when I heard that. I understand it probably hurt him too when I started dating other people…when I allow other people to be involved in the kids’ lives…I’ve just never had to be the person who is on the other side. The kids have always been MINE. I have never had to think about what I would do or how I would feel if there was another mother-figure in their lives. I don’t like it. But I’ll deal.

Moving On

Currently, I’m searching for a contact. I’m searching for someone who can relate to what I’m going through. The more I search, the more I realize…I may not be alone but I’m definitely not a majority. I can’t decide if I have it easy or hard though…not that it really matters. I knew I was not in the same boat as most people going through a divorce when I started reading forum posts about dating during divorce. Basically, someone said, “Would you have started dating right away if your spouse would have died? Divorce is like that.” Now, I’m all about the fact I have to mourn my marriage and all that…but I really don’t think you can compare a relationship gone bad to your spouse dying. If I was in a healthy, happy relationship and my spouse died, I would be DEVASTATED!!! But I wasn’t in a happy, healthy relationship…I was in a miserable, unbearable relationship…and my husband gave up. Now, to add to this, my husband isn’t your run-of-the-mill guy…he has mental issues. So I venture to say, this divorce is more like sending a kid off to college than losing a partner. He is like my kid…and I still have to deal with him…so he is still a little like my kid, he just lives somewhere else and is on his own now.

I’m hoping the seminar I am being forced to attend (mandated by the courts for divorces) will actually help with my next dilemma. I don’t feel I am dating to soon for my emotional well-being…my kids on the other hand…I don’t know. It’s so hard to tell. I don’t know how to get my son to speak up and tell me how he is feeling about everything. He just always says he’s fine…and maybe he is…but I have no way of telling. This morning he rather lay around on his dad (hugging on him) when he came to get him than to give me a hug good-bye. That really doesn’t bother me because I see him all the time and get hugs from him every night. I am just afraid there is some hidden message there somewhere. Of course, I think there is a hidden message everywhere from everyone…Including my daughter. She has been wetting her pants worse than ever lately and I know that is a sign of stress in a child…but then we thought she had a UTI on Monday (and she tested as having one at the clinic but the results from the lab were negative). I need to get her into her doctor after she is off her antibiotics and see if they have any idea what might be causing it and what we can do about it because I’m at my wits end. No one wants their kid to be “the kid who smells like pee.” I sent her to school in a pull-up on Tuesday but she didn’t want to wear one on Wednesday. I assume someone noticed and made fun of her. Then she ended up wetting her pants at least once on Wednesday (she says it was at daycare but she lies a lot). I just need to get this figured out.

Lonely….again

Not much new to say…I’m here…I’m alone…I don’t call anyone…I don’t know what to say. Maybe its a good thing that I don’t have anything to say…I’d like to think that means I’m at peace with it. If I wasn’t, wouldn’t I be bitching and moaning or crying and complaining? I’m not depressed…not usually anyway…I’m just lonely. I like to have someone to share my experiences with. I like to have someone to just say random things to. I like to have someone to hug and kiss. But I don’t need these things to survive. It’s just like going without food for a time…I’m hungry…but I’ll survive.

Curtis and I are still “together”…I’m a little lost as to what that means though. We talk on the phone as often as our schedules will allow (since we work opposite shifts and he works a ton that isn’t often). We text randomly throughout the day. But that is it. We never get to talk long enough to really make a connection there. It’s like trying to jump back in the middle of an empty pool for a swim. We need to get the water put back in before I’m really going to feel like we are “together.” Ok, maybe we have a little bitty bit of water in there…but it definitely isn’t enough to swim in.

Divorce is Worse Than Death

At least if someone dies, I can grieve and then put their memories up on a shelf. Sure you run across the stray reminder here and there but you are not randomly confronted with the reminder daily (at least not usually). But divorce…especially with kids…you constantly get reminded of what is going on. Especially in my situation. I get reminded EVERY DAY. I have to see his face EVERY DAY. I try so hard to pretend like I’m fine…and honestly, I don’t usually know if I am or not. Sometimes I’m not pretending…sometimes I am perfectly fine. It’s just the little things…little triggers and I never know for sure what they are. And then I get mad because I don’t want to feel this way. That song I quoted here a few days ago…Tangled Up In You…I wish I thought of someone else when I hear that song. But I don’t…and I can’t control that…and that PISSES ME OFF!!!

And what is with not wanting to talk to anyone but getting all depressed by the silence??? I’m sure one of my friends would tell me I should go back to therapy…but I don’t want to. I liked my therapist…but it is like one more reminder. I started going to therapy to SAVE my marriage. I just can’t bring myself to go back to deal with my marriage ending.

Silence

Silence is my enemy. It was my enemy when I was married…well, I guess I’m still married, but you know what I mean. It is my enemy now that I’m alone. It is what makes me feel even more alone. I’m locked in my head and it isn’t fun in here.

Skin-Crawling Loneliness

I’m not sure what is up with me tonight. I feel like I could crawl out of my skin. I’m so lonely…yet, I don’t want to call and talk to anyone. I don’t know what to say to anyone. I could read the book I’ve been working on…but I just don’t feel like reading. I turned on the music and it is all hitting me really hard. Music is known to do that.

I think this is the first time in my life that I have been this alone. I’ve always had people around me. I’ve always had people who cared what I was doing. I’ve always had people who cared how I felt. And I’m sure I do now too, they are all busy with their lives…they all aren’t here. No one is here. It’s just me…alone in my head. That is thoroughly disturbing.

All I want is to feel safe. I don’t feel safe. I feel rejected…thoroughly and completely rejected. I was rejected from my marriage. Then I was rejected from someone I really connected with…and I really don’t know why. The story of my life…rejected for unknown reasons. You would think I would be used to it by now. I guess, at least I know why I was rejected from my marriage…at least for the most part…….I wasn’t worth it. Ya, that makes me feel better. OH, but I’m not supposed to feel like that about it…despite the fact that is the truth. I’m just supposed to be happy it is finally over…which I am. I just have to take the good with the bad…which is I was let go because I wasn’t worth it.

Someone out there has to think I’m worth it. They have to…….right?

Pain….

Why is it when you are in a relationship and things are not going well, all you can see are the problems….but when you end the relationship….all you can remember are the good things???? I’m on this horrible roller coaster. I go from hate to missing to hate to sorrow to indifference to heart splitting pain. U2 said it best…”I can’t live with or without you.” I know eventually it will all feel better. But will I make it through with my dignity and piece of mind? Will I crumble? I feel so alone.

Land of Make Believe

He left last night. I told him to get out of my life….

Once again he is telling me that he doesn’t really care about me. He’s been pretending for a long time.

What else is there to say?