It’s Done

I broke it off yet again with Curtis. Three strikes and you’re out. Why do I constantly feel as though I should give more chances? That I should let this one slide…that I can handle the pain…that he deserves another shot? Thank god I can think about my kids instead. My kids DO NOT need someone like that in their lives. It just makes me very mad that I didn’t realize that before I introduced them. I don’t think one meeting is going to scar them…I hope not anyway.

Found out last night the kids have met Tony’s girlfriend friend who is a girl and he claims is nothing more than a friend…would have been nice to know before or at the time it happened instead of 2 weeks later. He swears he told me…I don’t remember hearing anything about her name. And I’m pretty sure that is something I would remember.

It was like a dagger when I heard that. I understand it probably hurt him too when I started dating other people…when I allow other people to be involved in the kids’ lives…I’ve just never had to be the person who is on the other side. The kids have always been MINE. I have never had to think about what I would do or how I would feel if there was another mother-figure in their lives. I don’t like it. But I’ll deal.

Oh ya, NOW I remember

So I was reminded again yesterday why Curtis is toxic. For the 3rd time since I started talking to him he lied to me about drinking. His aunt is dying and he was distraught enough he wanted me to call him while I was still at work. I talked him through some crap and he assured me he wouldn’t be drinking…only to go start drinking as soon as he got off the phone. If he wants to ruin his life, so be it. But I’m in charge of whether my life (and my children’s lives) are going to be involved. I feel horrible pulling this stuff on him when he is going through pain but I don’t know what else to do. I’m not putting up with this crap. I just got done with one emotionally damaging relationship…I need something healthy for the sake of my sanity and my children.

And to make things even more fun, I decided after smoking my last cigarette at 5:00 yesterday that I just wasn’t going to buy any more and I was going to finally quit for good. I’m sticking to it but, man, I’m about to have an anxiety attack.

I also called the district court to schedule our final divorce court date and found out they don’t schedule anything sooner than the status docket date we already have. Damn. Annoying.

*Yawn*

I’m seriously considering going home and sleeping the afternoon away. But I have an appointment this afternoon so I’ll probably just tough it out. I’m not sure why I’m so tired anyway. I got enough sleep on Saturday night. I got enough sleep last night. *shrugs* I hate my energy levels.

I went to Heather & Andy’s wedding this weekend. It is so nice to see them so happy. I’m very happy for her. I was surprised, the wedding itself didn’t get to me…but the reception did. I think it was a combination of reminders of my wedding and reminders that I’m not really a part of the Broken Bow life anymore. Letting go and moving on has never been my strong suit. I’m all for change. I love new things…I just don’t like letting go of the old.

I guess Curtis officially is to the point I was at a week ago. He just wants to be here. He wants to be with me. He doesn’t want to be separated by 5 hours. That feels good. I feel much better about life. I was so scared there was something shady going on…but that fear is gone now. I really am not sure what part of the weekend made it go away, but it is gone and I’m at peace.

I had a dream this morning (in between snoozing the alarm) that he just showed up to live at my house. That he couldn’t handle being apart anymore and just showed up. Kinda made me chuckle when I woke up.

The kids met him this weekend. They seemed to really like him. Bailey requested to sit by him at the reception and Michael requested to sit by him at lunch on Sunday before we left. I was very surprised by Michael’s request because Grandma was there and usually both the kids want to sit by her.

Object Permanence

The theory of object permanence is that infants at some point will recognize the fact that if they see an object go behind a blanket, they will look for it on the other side. Meaning, they know it hasn’t disappeared somewhere. They know it is behind the blanket even though they can’t see it and they expect it to continue doing whatever it was doing when it went behind the blanket.

I’ve decided my ability to translate this to relationships is completely fucked. When I can’t physically see the person I’m dating I lose all ability to understand what is going on with the relationship. Like suddenly, because they are out of sight, everything changes. As soon as I can’t see them, I believe they are doing all sorts of inappropriate things.

Now, the more I think about this, the more I realize why I have this problem. Everyone I can remember being with but not being around all the time WAS off doing bad things when they weren’t around me. The only way I know of to change this thought pattern is to have the pattern of events change. I really hope that is what is happening right now.

It’s sad….I know this…

I’ve never been big on learning another language…I know a little Spanish thanks to high school requirements. But I think it would be fun to learn how to say some things in Na’vi…yes,  I realize how sad that is and how big of a geek I am for wanting something like that. My first order of business, learn how to pronounce “Oel ngati kameie” correctly and say it to Curtis as much as possible.

If you are curious, it means “I see you.”

Oh ya, I need to get a picture of my nose taken before it gets all healed up. I proved on Friday night that a straw can be a deadly weapon…Ok, maybe not deadly, but it can wound you so you look like a dork for a good long while.

So Excited

Curtis is on his way to see me as I type this! I’m very excited. I have the weekend without kids and with Curtis all to myself. Now, hopefully things go well…

Thin Ice

Walking on a sheet of glass
Tiptoeing over the thin ice
Each step
Each movement
Each breath
Carefully calculated
Mustn’t upset the balance
The delicate, deadly balance

You show up at the edge
I yell to you
STOP!
You mustn’t step on the glass!
You aren’t careful enough!
This isn’t a joke!
Stop playing around!
Don’t do that!

But it’s too late
You accidentally hit the ice
The crack approaches
I take a deep breath
As the weak ground below
Falls away from my feet
And I go under

You helplessly watch
Too far away to reach
Unable to fix the problem
You caused
Left to watch me drown

Seriously???

So, silly me, I thought others were capable of change like the ones I’ve went through in the past 7 years. It is becoming a little too apparent to me that I was wrong, at least about Curtis. Anyone who goes on and on about how much they’ve changed either has not fully transitioned or is trying to pull the wool over your eyes. I’m really not sure which is the case for Curtis but I’m definitely not in the mood to put up with this crap. I’m giving this until the end of next weekend (I want to give him the opportunity to deal with me in person) to figure itself out or I’m ending this chapter of my book for good. I came into this knowing this was the last shot for Curtis and I and I meant it. If this ends, the next time I think of contacting him for something that may end up as more than friends I will just need to read my blog to be reminded of the problems. I have never documented the issues we have and that was part of my problem. I had nothing to remind me of the bad, only good memories (because for some reason those are the ones I seem to keep a hold of).

So, for documentation purposes, Curtis is an alcoholic. He doesn’t like to deal with his problems. Instead he runs off and gets plastered. Then he feels guilty about that and ignores my calls or out-right lies about what is going on. He has been doing this for at least 10 years. I don’t remember if this was a problem we had before I moved to Lincoln or not but I know this is the same pattern I saw in Lincoln. He is shady and I can never tell if he is telling the truth or lying. He is all about appearances. As long as it looks good from the outside then everything on the inside can go to hell.

That’s all I’ve got right now, but if I think of more I’ll come back and write it down.

Calming

I can only assume that I am really becoming at peace with the whole divorce thing. I haven’t been bombarded by lonely feelings since the last time I posted about it. That is a nice change of pace. I’m sure many people would be like, “It’s only been a week since you posted about it last, that isn’t a long time.” I don’t know if I work in overdrive or something but a week is an eternity for me. I’ve even started calling friends again. I’ve got several things to look forward to in the next few weeks. I get to go see my Munky this weekend. Then Curtis will be coming down next weekend. And the weekend after that is Heather & Andy’s wedding. Now, if I can get my money back under control (not happening for a couple of months at least) I’ll be A-Okay.

I need to call the courts the end of this month to get the divorce hearing date set up. Hopefully, I’ve got all this pulled together. My biggest worry at this point is that not having an attorney is going to bite Tony & I in the ass. If we make it through the divorce process successfully, then we still have to do all the moving of names from titles and stuff.

Sadly, this whole thing is really going to make me think 2 or 3 or 80 times about getting married again…ever. This has been a nightmare…and we have it easy.

Lonely….again

Not much new to say…I’m here…I’m alone…I don’t call anyone…I don’t know what to say. Maybe its a good thing that I don’t have anything to say…I’d like to think that means I’m at peace with it. If I wasn’t, wouldn’t I be bitching and moaning or crying and complaining? I’m not depressed…not usually anyway…I’m just lonely. I like to have someone to share my experiences with. I like to have someone to just say random things to. I like to have someone to hug and kiss. But I don’t need these things to survive. It’s just like going without food for a time…I’m hungry…but I’ll survive.

Curtis and I are still “together”…I’m a little lost as to what that means though. We talk on the phone as often as our schedules will allow (since we work opposite shifts and he works a ton that isn’t often). We text randomly throughout the day. But that is it. We never get to talk long enough to really make a connection there. It’s like trying to jump back in the middle of an empty pool for a swim. We need to get the water put back in before I’m really going to feel like we are “together.” Ok, maybe we have a little bitty bit of water in there…but it definitely isn’t enough to swim in.