Divorce is Worse Than Death

At least if someone dies, I can grieve and then put their memories up on a shelf. Sure you run across the stray reminder here and there but you are not randomly confronted with the reminder daily (at least not usually). But divorce…especially with kids…you constantly get reminded of what is going on. Especially in my situation. I get reminded EVERY DAY. I have to see his face EVERY DAY. I try so hard to pretend like I’m fine…and honestly, I don’t usually know if I am or not. Sometimes I’m not pretending…sometimes I am perfectly fine. It’s just the little things…little triggers and I never know for sure what they are. And then I get mad because I don’t want to feel this way. That song I quoted here a few days ago…Tangled Up In You…I wish I thought of someone else when I hear that song. But I don’t…and I can’t control that…and that PISSES ME OFF!!!

And what is with not wanting to talk to anyone but getting all depressed by the silence??? I’m sure one of my friends would tell me I should go back to therapy…but I don’t want to. I liked my therapist…but it is like one more reminder. I started going to therapy to SAVE my marriage. I just can’t bring myself to go back to deal with my marriage ending.

Skin-Crawling Loneliness

I’m not sure what is up with me tonight. I feel like I could crawl out of my skin. I’m so lonely…yet, I don’t want to call and talk to anyone. I don’t know what to say to anyone. I could read the book I’ve been working on…but I just don’t feel like reading. I turned on the music and it is all hitting me really hard. Music is known to do that.

I think this is the first time in my life that I have been this alone. I’ve always had people around me. I’ve always had people who cared what I was doing. I’ve always had people who cared how I felt. And I’m sure I do now too, they are all busy with their lives…they all aren’t here. No one is here. It’s just me…alone in my head. That is thoroughly disturbing.

All I want is to feel safe. I don’t feel safe. I feel rejected…thoroughly and completely rejected. I was rejected from my marriage. Then I was rejected from someone I really connected with…and I really don’t know why. The story of my life…rejected for unknown reasons. You would think I would be used to it by now. I guess, at least I know why I was rejected from my marriage…at least for the most part…….I wasn’t worth it. Ya, that makes me feel better. OH, but I’m not supposed to feel like that about it…despite the fact that is the truth. I’m just supposed to be happy it is finally over…which I am. I just have to take the good with the bad…which is I was let go because I wasn’t worth it.

Someone out there has to think I’m worth it. They have to…….right?

Love, Life, and Pain (Part 2)

So the next major stop on the Love-Life Express would have to be Curtis. I had other relationships in high school (even one worth writing about) but I just don’t remember enough about them to work them through.

I met Curtis on Halloween 1995 at a dance club…I was 18. He was good friends with one of my co-workers and he was also going to be the new guy at work. He was dressed as The Crow (I was dressed as a hooker). I honestly don’t remember much about him from the night we first met. Our story really started after he started working at Pizza Hut with me. We hit it off and me, him, and Tommy all started hanging out. Most of the beginning of the relationship is very foggy due to the large amounts of pot we smoked on a regular basis.

Love, Life, and Pain (Part 1)

From the moment I was old enough to start to like boys in a way that might get me cooties, I learned that I wasn’t good enough. The boys would make fun of me. The ones I liked never liked me back. Most of them would just torment me and harass me. No one would give me the time of day.

Then one day a new boy moved to town, Glenn. He and I became very good friends. I quickly began to like him as more than just a friend but he didn’t feel the same way about me. He didn’t want that to stand in the way of our friendship though because he really liked my personality. We talked nearly every night on the phone. But he always made it very clear that he didn’t like me as anything more than a friend. That crushed me on a daily basis.

He dated several of my friends…but never me. Of course, that hurt even more but I didn’t want to let him go. He was special….I don’t know why. He was also a cutter. I don’t know for sure what his mental condition was but he found comfort in slicing his ankles with razor blades. He would even do it at school. Several times he was caught and no one could get him to stop….but me. I don’t know why. All I had to do was ask him to stop and he would calm himself and put the razor down.  And so our friendship went. He would date different girls, talk to me on the phone every night, and I would wish he would date me. If he started cutting, I’d get him to stop.

Here We Go…

So, I’ve been struggling for a couple weeks. I thought I was going to be able to stick this thing out. I thought my husband had agreed to go to therapy. I know I had told him initially that he had a pretty big time frame to work with to start getting help…but I had no idea how quickly my heart was going to start shutting down.

Mid-week I started browsing apartment websites looking for something he could afford. Then I started looking about how to tell the kids. So I decided that if this thing was going to be saved, it needed to happen now. I was going to tell him when he got home from work because I felt it was a face-to-face type thing.

Instead, I got a phone call shortly after he got off work telling me he was going to the bar with a friend but wouldn’t be out late (he has said this every time he goes out with friends and he gets home ranging from 1:00 to 3:00). I told him not to bother with the “not being out late” line because it only causes issues and he agreed. We hung up. I sat there for a few minutes and realized, I couldn’t wait to talk to him about this for another day. So I called him back. I told him I was planning on talking to him about this tonight but since he wouldn’t be home I would have to tell him over the phone. I told him I could feel myself disengaging and he needed to go to therapy now if he wanted to help save our relationship….otherwise it would be too late. He said okay (meaning he heard what I said, not meaning he was agreeing).

I went to bed at 10:30….I woke up at 1:45 and he wasn’t home, I wasn’t surprised but I wasn’t going to hover this time (usually I call and ask him what the hell is going on). I went back to sleep….I woke up at 4:30 and he STILL wasn’t home. This time I called. Half expecting to have some stranger answer the phone telling me he was in the hospital or something. But he answered. Told me he was just dropping off the friend he went out with…said he would be home soon.

I was livid. He is the one who takes the kids to school in the morning…he was only going to get 2 hours of sleep, tops. At that moment, I decided (for the kids’ sake) I would be taking them to school because I didn’t want to see how growly he would be after 2 hours of sleep.

I tried to go back to sleep but was too upset so I went outside for a smoke. Of course, that is when he pulled up. I really didn’t want to talk to him…I didn’t want to hear it…yet, at the same time, I did. I finished my cigarette and went back to bed. He came to bed and I just couldn’t handle the not knowing. I told him I really couldn’t believe that he was just out with a friend until 4:30 in the morning. He said I should believe it because it is true. I asked him what in the world they talked about for 8 hours. He said his friend is having problems with his gf and we are having problems so there was a lot to talk about. So I asked what the friend had to say about us. He told me his friend asked if it was worth it to go to therapy and my husband said he didn’t know.

I guess I know where I stand. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of being the ONLY one trying. Right then I decided, I deserve more. So last night we have a talk. I make him start it. He says that he really doesn’t want to go to therapy and he realizes that means separation so we should start making arrangements. So we started hashing out money stuff. Then I went to bed. When I woke up he wasn’t in bed. He slept on the couch. Mind you, we weren’t on mean or horrible terms when I went to bed. Something just FEELS weird. Like there is more to this he isn’t telling. Like he is hiding the truth again. The question is: Do I care? And that is a question I’m not sure of the answer to right now.

Admission

I found myself looking at the cost of renting a 1 bedroom apartment today…for him, not for me. The thought of having to spend the rest of my life dealing with this crap just isn’t at all appealing to me. He needs to start getting help NOW. If not, we will be looking a little further into these lovely apartments. I need to go over the numbers a little more but I think we are REALLY close to being able to swing that. I don’t think he really believes I will put my foot down. And I really don’t want to. I don’t want to parent alone…well, more alone than I am currently. I don’t want to have to try explaining divorce to the kids….again. I don’t want to be in an unhappy marriage with a BPD either…but I am.

Crash & Burn

I can’t shake the feeling that my marriage isn’t going to last much longer. I am not a quitter but I can’t take much more of this. On the surface, everything looks fine. Tony is a nice guy. He doesn’t yell at me or hit me. Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about the devastation that lack of emotions has on a relationship? It is sad when I wish I could get a reaction out of him because at least that would show he cares. I am meant to assume he cares simply because he is still present. Unfortunately that is not enough for me. I need more than that. I need loved. I need supported. I need to feel like I’m not alone.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m crazy for expecting these things. I’m tired of feeling like I’m asking too much by wanting a normal relationship. Living with someone who is borderline and a narcissist really isn’t fun. They only think about themselves. The world revolves around them. The worse part is, they can’t even help it. It’s not like he is just some self-absorbed dick. He honestly forgets to take anyone else’s thoughts or feelings into account. It’s like he lives in his own little world and we aren’t even allowed to visit.

I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. I’ve already started to shut down and I don’t know how to stop or reverse the process. I just want to be happy.