Doubts

Why is it that guys treat me like crap, I finally stand up for myself, they do NOTHING, and then I start second guessing the decisions I made? Its been a tough day. I’m tired from staying up too late with the kids. And I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I’m alone. I’m not sure why I can’t just be alone. To know that no one cares about me kills me. To know that I have no one to hug and kiss kills me. And it really pisses me off that apparently I’m not cute enough to pay attention to on the dating site. Past Will (who only likes me as a friend now that I’ve smothered  him to death), no one has really given me the time of day. I take that back, there was Tracy and I’m thankful for that but that is it. Anyone else I’ve talked to falls into one of two categories: wants to get laid or politely replying but not really serious about talking to me.

I was hoping to try to meet someone new tonight…but no one is replying so I guess I will sit at home. I probably should sit at home.

I’ve mowed the yard and scrubbed the bathroom floor. I am sweaty and stinky and should take a shower…but I’ve used all my energy. I’m sure I’ll make it there eventually.

Sad

It started last night…ok, it probably started Saturday night but I was able to shake it for a while…that horrible sinking, sad-hearted feeling. I just feel like I want to cry but I really don’t know exactly why. It’s probably just a bunch of things all mixed together. The fact that I am tired doesn’t help any either.

Simply Put

I’m sad.

Ugh.

I just haven’t felt “right” all day. I don’t know for sure what my problem is. Tony is gone to Lincoln for classes until tomorrow sometime. So, what does he do while in Lincoln? Go hang out with all my old friends…..*sigh* I have officially gone from not “right” to completely “wrong” in a matter of minutes.

30 is just a number

Apparently, it isn’t bad enough that I feel like crap, I need to be banned from writing about it in my blog. So, here I am, writing it in Word until I can access my blog and put it there. I guess, at least this way I can check my spelling as I type.

I know 30 is just a number. I know this is just another birthday. But for some reason I can’t shake this horrible looming feeling. Maybe it is just my bad outlook on current life and the fact that it is happening around my birthday. I don’t know. I’m horribly lonely. I would like to pour myself out all over this page and just get it out but it isn’t working. Nothing seems right. I can’t sit still. I can’t get anything done. I have no energy. I have no motivation.

If I remember correctly, the last time I felt like this I moved and left my old life behind. I don’t see that helping this time, nor do I see it being as easy.

I’m mad at life. I’m mad at me. I feel overwhelmed by things I want to change but unable to change them.

I’m down. I’m almost to the point where I am willing to go back on antidepressants but it just makes me so mad. I should be able to do this on my own. I don’t want to depend on drugs to make me feel better. Really, what makes someone taking a prescription any better than someone illegal drugs? That little piece of paper from the doctor doesn’t change the fact that you have to depend on a chemical to fix your outlook on life.

This is just ridiculous. This isn’t helping. The person I need to talk to isn’t here. Not that I would talk if he was. Not that he would talk if he was.

*throws up her hands*

Disturbed….(Me, not the band)

I had a dream last night which has me feeling like shit this morning. In the dream there was much love and cuddling and hugging and kissing. I have no idea who the guy in the dream was but it wasn’t anyone I can place. The feelings in this dream were intense and wonderful and now I feel empty and sad. I always try to tell myself that everyone feels like this after they’ve been married a while but I know that is a lie. I have no desire to hug or kiss my husband. Most days I feel like I’m a single mother of three. Not that Tony overly acts like a kid he just makes me feel like a mom.

I don’t know what to say. I’m just sad.

On another note, I just realized I’m going to be 30 in a week and a day….*hides under her bed for the rest of the year*

Caution: Uneasy thoughts ahead

I want to empty out my head. I want to explain why I feel like I’m lost. I want to feel right. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I feel like crying most of the time. But often the tears do not come nor do I know why they well below the surface. I think I feel a change coming. It is trying to sneak up from behind. But just like you know when someone is staring at you, I know this is coming. I desperately want to cling to what I find familiar. I desperately want to run to something new. I’m not at ease. I’m not happy. I’m not comfortable in my own skin. I long for things that I can’t put my finger on. I feel as though I’ve been climbing a mountain forever and I’m almost to the top and all I can see is a cliff I’m about to fall off. Everyday things get less hectic. Everyday I should be more happy, less aggitated and confused. Notice, I said should be. What is going to make this stop? I better not feel like this forever. I can’t do it.

Uhhhh……

I feel so braindead since I’ve been taking Effexor. I think I would rather be braindead than to feel the way I had been feeling though. It is just kind of annoying that I can’t seem to get anything out of my head. I don’t know what to say or how to say it. I lose track of thoughts so quickly and they get lost in my head. They all feel like they are bouncing around in there not making any sense or sticking around the oral center long enough to escape through my mouth. I always feel like there was something I was going to talk about or do and I can never figure out what it was.

Then I have this overwhelming nagging in my head to write something deep and profound. I want to be a creative genius but I have no medium in which to express myself. Poetry just doesn’t seem to do it for me anymore. I never was fond of my paintings and drawing is totally something that comes and goes. I feel so self-defeating.

Oh ya, I cut my hair……

*Snores loudly*

I’m dead today. My sinuses started acting up and I have that wonderful sinus medicine buzz going on. I hate that feeling. The good news of the day is that we were approved for our home improvement loan. We are trying to get all the ends tied up and all the papers sent in now. We should close around August 15th. Hopefully this was a good move. I really can’t wait to get started. I just want to get the house fixed and into a decent state. This will get us A LOT closer to that goal.

I want to spill more of my mind out on the screen but I just can’t find the words. Things are going good yet they aren’t….it’s all so hard to explain. *shrugs* They are more good than bad at this point so I will just be content with that.

And so it goes…

I finally went to the doctor on Friday because I was tired of wanting to sleep all the time. She decided I was right about having depression but suggested some blood work be done just to be sure to rule out any physical problems. I will hear about the results sometime this week. In the meantime she put me on Effexor. Right away I noticed an energy boost. I am able to stay up all day long (often until late into the night) and actually get things done. That makes me feel better about life. I’ve been feeling pretty good in general for the past few days. Now today I’m back down. I just feel like I don’t belong here. I feel like I’m supposed to be somewhere else. It’s this weird longing feeling I get whenever I see pictures of big cities or California. I’m sure if Tony is reading this he is laughing his butt off right now. He finds it hilarious that I fell in love with California when we visited last September. It is just so different than here. It is so beautiful and calming. I don’t understand why he thinks it is so funny but then again he doesn’t understand why I find some things so funny either.

I just don’t feel right. I feel like I’m missing out on something. I hate this feeling. I’m ready to crawl out of my skin.