How quickly I fall right back off the blog posting wagon. Minecraft is taking over my life. It is sad.
Posted in Misc
I like to eat yummy food.
I do try to moderate how much yummy food I eat in a given day but I do not count calories.
I don’t like to exercise other than walking (which I do for at least 30 minutes every day).
This is why I’m fat.
Yes, I recognize that I am fat.
I also recognize I am the reason I am fat.
No, I don’t want to be skinny.
I want to enjoy my life on my terms.
I’ve joined the legging universe (and the bathroom selfie one too). Self-conscious for my first time wearing these in public but I think they are cute.
Posted in Misc
I’ve been playing in my mind with the idea of a vlog a lot lately. I think it has a lot to do with all the YouTube I’ve been watching recently. I keep thinking I could do the things these people are doing. But every time I even remotely come close to trying it, I remember, I’m not a cute 20-something anymore.
People really aren’t as interested in listing to an average, nearly 40 year old. I’m not gorgeous. I’m not hip. I’m not trendy. So why even try? But then I’m like, “But you don’t have to be doing it for ‘them.'” I don’t do my blog for “them” so why am I so worried about doing a vlog for “them”?
So, I had to come to the sad realization, I want to be YouTube famous. I want to be able to sit at home, talk to my camera, play with the video, and make loads of money. I have a dream that will never come true. It’s like those people who move to Hollywood to become a star. The likelihood of it actually happening is so small that it isn’t even worth pursuing. I know this. I’m a smart woman. But that doesn’t make the urge go away. BLEH!
Why can’t I just have realistic dreams?
- I’m good.
- It’s okay for me to be me.
- I do not have to be like anyone else.
- I am allowed to be special.
I wonder how long I have to repeat those before I start really truly believing them.
It’s been a rough week. I’m always struggling with my body acceptance. My motherhood issues are usually near the surface. But today I just felt like I was being a brat and couldn’t stop it.
First I got really upset because I cleaned up dog vomit on the kitchen floor. When I was done my stepdaughter wiped the area with a Clorox wipe and my husband thanked her. I felt like I was bad because I didn’t do that. Apparently that is something he likes to have done but I’ve not been told that so that triggered me being upset that he doesn’t tell me things.
I had a melt down.
After that was resolved, my husband and I went shopping. We were doing really well (having fun even) until we went to check out at the 3rd store. He was in line. I wandered a little ways away to look at some shirts. I turn around a minute later to see him walking away.
I was so mad.
All he had to do was say my name a little louder than normal or walk over to me and let me know what he was doing. Instead he sent me a text. Since I use Google Voice texts don’t arrive to me immediately so I didn’t get it as soon as he sent it. I didn’t get it until I had already texted him and started getting pissed.
He didn’t seem to understand why I was so upset. That made me even more upset. BLEH! So we went home before going to the final store (the grocery store).
I was so mad and felt like I was being such a brat…which made me more mad. So then I grabbed one of the bags that he was going to carry in before he could and I guess that pissed him off (but I didn’t find out about that fact until several hours later).
After about 30 minutes (and getting kids lunches), I asked if he was going with me to the grocery store. He said he didn’t feel like it and I got upset again. He almost always comes with me to the grocery store when he can. I felt rejected and like a brat for getting upset yet again.
There were no more events the rest of the day but I didn’t talk to him any more than necessary which made me feel like a brat too.
We finally worked on resolving things at bedtime but I felt like a brat then too because I’m always mad and he’s always feeling bad. BLEH!
Why can’t I be more laid back?
I’m not sure how I feel that being drunk is one of my favorite states of mind lately. I only do it on the weekends and it is such a nice relaxation. But it worries me that I enjoy it so much.
I think that just speaks to my level of stress. I wish I didn’t get so worked up about everything.
Posted in Misc