The subject of fat hate is baffling to me. I will never understand how anyone can hate someone they have never met so vehemently. I am a fat person so maybe that is where my confusion comes from.
I do not like how skinny people look so I just don’t look at them. I mean, I can’t avoid seeing people but if I see someone I don’t care for, I just don’t spend time looking at them. I don’t hate them… that just doesn’t make sense.
Self-acceptance is hard. My understanding is it is hard for everyone. So can’t we be more kind to each other and make the process just a little easier?
I need to learn to not walk away from this blog and think that I can’t come back. Sometimes I just need a place to write things down. I’m going through a lot of stuff right now on a personal level (I’m not sure I have ever NOT been going through a lot of stuff). I’m currently on a journey of self-acceptance. It sucks. It’s hard. I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t feel like I will ever get there. The theme of today (and it does change every day whether I want it to or not) is: I’m a bad mom.
I’m very tired of seeing all the happy parenting crap. I’m tired of thinking that everyone else is perfect and I’m the only one who loses my shit. When I have a bad day, I make myself feel like I’m the only parent this ever happens to (not counting all the really shitty parents who don’t do anything for their kids). Yesterday I couldn’t stay calm for my daughter who was anxious about doing homework but presenting that anxiety in a very bad way. I knew what her problem was. I just wasn’t in a good enough place to deal with her shit. I didn’t know what to do and I did the wrong thing. Then the rest of the day turned into a whirlwind of stress. Everything set me off. It was no longer just about my daughter and there was no turning back. I made my husband’s evening miserable. I made my son uncomfortable (he hates it when people are upset). And I’m sure my step-kids weren’t thrilled with listening to me bitch in general (not at them). BLEH! I felt like a total failure.
Stress is my enemy. Kids cause me so much stress because there are so many things that I can’t be okay with. I wish I could just let things ride but apparently I just can’t. In a house where there are 2 sets of kids, only 1 of which I’m in control of, this is hard. Really, really hard! Some days (far more than I want to admit to) all I want to do is lock myself in a room by myself and that makes me feel like a failure.
How am I supposed to accept that about myself?
Also, I let my kids play on computers and devices WAY TOO MUCH. I don’t make them go out for sports or other extra-curricular activities because they aren’t interested. And I feel like I am looked down on for that. I don’t know how to feel about that. Some days I’m like, screw it. Let them do what they want. Other days I’m like, no, I need to encourage better habits. BLEH!! BLEH! BLEH!
Yesterday we went to Legoland. I think the pictures really say it all. There was nothing overly noteworth other than that the kids played in The Hideaway for an hour running through a huge play area playing tag and hide-and-seek. They also LOVED the water area. They were soaking wet by the time we were done. Michael started losing his voice by the end of it also.
Today was laundry day so that is what we spent most of the morning doing. Kirby and I were having a rough time today. It stressed out dad so he stayed home as we went back to Seaworld in the afternoon. The kids got to pet the dolphins today. That was really neat! They also got to pet the bat rays again. I swear they could spend all day petting those. Other than that, it was rather uneventful. No one rode on any rides. (Michael didn’t want to go and swore he was having an awful time.) They did get all their Seaworld souvenirs today, so they were VERY happy.
Day 5 photos